Borowitz Report
John Edwards Verdict Draws Mixed Reactions from O.J. Simpson, God
Former NFL Great, Almighty Sound Off on Trial
GREENSBORO, NC (The Borowitz Report) – The verdict of not guilty in the trial of former Presidential candidate John Edwards drew mixed reactions today from a variety of notables, including former football great O.J. Simpson and God.
“Justice has been served,” said Mr. Simpson in a brief statement.
The former Heisman Trophy winner added that he was cheered that almost two decades after his own celebrated trial, “it is still possible for any American with millions of dollars to receive a trial in which his lawyers thoroughly confuse the jury.”
Mr. Simpson said that although he was pleased with the verdict in the Edwards case, he hoped that the former North Carolina senator would dedicate the rest of his life “to finding the real perjurers.”
Offering a very different reaction to the verdict was someone whom Edwards himself mentioned in his post-trial statement, God.
“I don’t think God’s through with me,” Edwards said, causing the Almighty to hold a hastily called press conference in Greensboro to dispute that claim.
“Let me make this very clear,” a visibly angry God told reporters. “I have no plans for John Edwards, unless you count the one that involves plunging him into an eternal pool of fire.” Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report here.
