There is currently a lot of controversy about President Obama's vacations's philippics, and I know that any letter on the subject will almost certainly cause someone to impose ideology, control thought, and punish virtually any behavior President Obama's vacations disapproves of. Still, it is an actuarial certainty that President Obama's vacations will rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of scapegoatism sometime soon.
You may be disappointed to hear that my concrete suggestions on how to condemn—without hesitation, without remorse—all those who pit race against race, religion against religion, and country against country are sprinkled throughout this letter like raisins in a pudding, not grouped together in a single block of text at the end. This was a conscious decision I made based on the observation that President Obama's vacations sometimes has trouble convincing people that bad things "just happen" (i.e., they're not caused by President Obama's vacations itself). When President Obama's vacations has such trouble, it usually trots out a few stingy, subversive know-it-alls to constate authoritatively that it can make all of our problems go away merely by sprinkling some sort of magic, pink, pixie dust over everything that it considers out-of-touch or incorrigible. Whether or not that trick of its works, it's still the case that the pen is a powerful tool. Why don't we use that tool to transform our culture of war and violence into a culture of peace and nonviolence?
So long as the devastating inequities that characterize our society persist, President Obama's vacations's trained seals will be unable to deny that the spectrum of views between hooliganism and interdenominationalism is not a line but a circle at which treasonous, longiloquent weirdos and the most brusque profiteers I've ever seen meet. To properly place President Obama's vacations somewhere in that spectrum one needs to realize that we must restore the traditions that President Obama's vacations has abandoned. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that President Obama's vacations once tried to convince a bunch of us that it is a refined organization with the soundest ethics and morals you can imagine. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that I wouldn't want to make my worst nightmares come true. I would, on the other hand, love to reveal the truth about President Obama's vacations's précis. But, hey, I'm already doing that with this letter.
If we let President Obama's vacations produce culturally degenerate films and tapes, who's going to protect us? The government? Our parents? Superman? Probably none of the above. That's why it's important to prescribe a course of action.
To President Obama's vacations's mind, it can spoil the whole Zen Buddhist New Age mystical rock-worshipping aura of our body chakras and get away with it. So that means that the rigors that its victims have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement, right? No, not right. The truth is that difficult times lie ahead. Fortunately, we have the capacity to circumvent much of the impending misery by working together to cast a ray of light on President Obama's vacations's vengeful scare tactics. We can all have daydreams about Happy Fuzzy Purple Bunny Land, where everyone is caring, loving, and nice. Not only will those daydreams not come true, but President Obama's vacations is a psychologically defective organization. It's what the psychiatrists call a constitutional psychopath or a sociopath. There is one final irony to my story. I am quite certain that it ruffles my feathers that President Obama's vacations wants to destroy everything beautiful and good.
Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator
Governor Christie's comment the other day prompted me to use Pakin to generate this Letter of Complaint, when the Governor asked Obama:
"What the hell are we paying you for?"