by Mark Miller
JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: One large source of money and votes in key swing states for any Presidential candidate is the Jewish community. This poses a challenge for President Obama, since many in the Jewish community no longer see him as a knight in shining armor. The armor’s clearly gotten a little shmutzon it. Obama is making efforts to win back Jewish voters who feel he turned his back on Israel by snubbing Prime Minister Netanyahu last year and by his solid backing for a Palestinian Authority state.
Due to a White House security leak, President Obama’s top-secret, classified 10-Step Plan for Wooing the Jews has come into my possession. I could tell you how I got it, but then I’d have to kill you, and apparently that’s against Jewlarious policy for writers. They’re so strict here. So, while I can’t reveal how I acquired the document, I have been given permission to share it with you as long as you promise not to share this information outside the Jewish community. Promise? Okay, I trust you. You seem honest. Here it is…
President Obama’s top-secret, classified 10-Step Plan for Wooing the Jews
Step One – Making Mahjong an Olympic Sport
Step One – Making Mahjong an Olympic Sport
For decades, the 136-tile game of Mahjong, based on Chinese characters and symbols, has been a popular board game for older Jewish women. So, imagine my Aunt Sophie’s thrill at learning that President Obama has ordered the centuries-old game added to the Olympics. “I’ve already been in training for 27 years,” Aunt Sophie gushed. “Obama’s got my vote!” For her birthday, I’m getting Aunt Sophie an official U.S. Olympic Mahjong Team sweatshirt. Of course, this all raises the question – Now that Mahjong’s part of the Olympics, can Monopoly, Scrabble and Pictionary be far behind?
Step Two – Matzoh Ball Roll on White House Lawn
Ever since President Rutherford B. Hayes started the White House Easter Egg Roll in 1878, it’s been an annual tradition. This past April 9th, more than 35,000 people joined the Obamas on the White House South Lawn for games, stories, and, of course, the traditional egg roll on the Lawn. Now, Jewish children and their parents no longer need feel left out. The just-established Matzoh Ball Roll on the White House lawn will be lead by Barry Manilow and Fran Drescher. Participants and their families will be treated to a deli lunch, games with Obama daughters Sasha and Malia, and a very special story time with Jackie Mason.
Step Three – Planning for Sasha Obama’s Bat Mitzvah
Eleven year old Sasha Obama is two years away from the Bat Mitzvah she just found out she’ll be having, so she’s got her work cut out for her. Mondays she has Hebrew reading. Tuesdays she’ll learn the names and historical evolution of Jewish classical texts. Wednesdays are for becoming acquainted with the lives and teachings of central Jewish figures. Thursdays she’ll be taught the broad timeline of Jewish history. Fridays are for ritual skills. Saturdays she’ll do a mitzvah project. Sundays are free days for her and she’s expressed the desire to play Angry Birds.
Step Four – Hora Flash Mob in Congress
A flash mob is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment, satire, and artistic expression. U.S. Presidents have never organized flash mobs, much less participated in them, but Obama is not your ordinary U.S. President. At some point, then, in the very near future, expect a large group of tourists to appear in Congress, along with President Obama, and not only begin dancing the Hora, but also pull the Congressmen and Congresswomen right out of their seats to join them!
“When I heard Mr. Romney’s plan for the economy, I nearlyplotzed .”
Step Five – Changing Obama’s Middle Name
Critics might argue that Obama’s decision to change his middle name is long overdue – especially in light of the fact that his middle name is “Hussein,” which is most closely associated with the despised Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Still, Obama could have picked any name for his new middle name, and as it turns out, he has chosen “L’chaim,” the Hebrew term meaning “To life!” President Barack L’Chaim Obama will officially announce his new name during a whirlwind tour of 10 prominent Jewish delicatessens across the country.
Step Six – Wearing an “I ♥ Israel” T-Shirt
What’s the surest way to get the Jewish vote? Support Israel. Obama has faced his share of criticism for not being supportive enough of the Land of Milk and Honey. Many even wonder if his heart and mind are more closely allied with those of Israel’s enemies. They’ll wonder no more, what with Obama’s plans for frequent photo opportunities with Jewish leaders worldwide – while he wears his new “I ♥ Israel” t-shirt. By the way, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the shirt is reversible and the other side reads “I ♥ Palestine.”
Step Seven – World’s Largest Passover Seder
We often hear that it’s not the quantity but the quality that matters. Next Passover, President Barack L’Chaim Obama will be going for both, according to his plans for the world’s largest Passover seder to be held both inside the White House and on the White House South Lawn. 50,000 Jews will receive invitations via lottery, super-chef Wolfgang Puck will prepare the seder meal, 100 of the world’s most prominent rabbis and cantors will preside, Sasha Obama will ask the Four Questions, and Obama himself will lead a spirited version of the song “Dayenu.”
Step Eight – Issuing Great Jewish Foods Commemorative Stamps
Obama has arranged with the U.S. Postal Service to issue a series of commemorative stamps paying tribute to the most beloved Jewish foods. The stamps will picture a bagel, blintz, kreplach, matzoh ball, gefilte fish, challah, tzimmes, latkes, and lox. Obama will make it clear that he has been a long-time fan of Jewish cuisine. “Give me a good chicken soup with lokshen andkneidlach and I’m a happy man,” Obama has stated. He adds, “I’d like to formally apologize to kugel and hamantaschen for not having enough stamps to feature them as well.”
Step Nine – White House to Appoint Jerry Seinfeld as Comedian Laureate
We have Poet Laureates. Why not Comedian Laureates? And which Jewish comedian could be less controversial than one most famous for “Seinfeld,” a show about nothing? The induction ceremony alone should bring Obama a massive TV audience, especially if Obama can get Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Jason Alexander, and Michael Richards to show up – and you know he can. Will Larry David be upset that he wasn’t appointed Comedian Laureate? Probably. And if we can show that as part of the ceremony – win-win!
Step Ten – Insert More Hebrew & Yiddish Words Into His Speeches
Hebrew and Yiddish words are already such a part of American speech, that it won’t be difficult for the President to incorporate them into his speeches. Examples: “When I heard Mr. Romney’s plan for the economy, I nearlyplotzed”… “I presented Congress with some wonderful new legislation and they gave me back bupkes”… My fellow Americans, I’m not here today to kvetch”… “Do you honestly think I enjoy shlepping this size of a budget deficit around?”…”So I hope you’ll allow me four more years to deal with the tsuris.”